Blogging for the new year.

Today is December 31, 2007, it’s a Monday and I woke up at 7:30AM. I must say that I feel particularly different about this new year, different than I’ve ever felt. Over the past two days, especially yesterday after hitting up Dr. Fredrick K. C. Price’s church with Elliott, I had an intense urge for solitude. I was slightly torn because I feel like I have a commitment to the guys (rockstar, big love, and bradly) to stay engaged and interact with them during this road trip. At the same time, I feel an unprecedented desire to plan, reflect, and consider. This morning rockstar and I woke up early and headed to the beach. It was a the nicest of mornings, the weather was perfect, the beach was virtually empty, except the dedicated surfers out catching the occasional ridable waves, and the sky was blue. (At least as blue as it can be in Los Angeles) I’ve been dealing with two major issues this year in my personal life: the Sovereignty of God, and change. The first, which I started blogging on before, is something that goes hand in hand with the second.

As we sat on the beach, eating our bagels and drinking our respective favorite Starbucks concoctions and talking; the topic of our futures and the current moment and places in our lives saturated the conversation.

I can’t help feeling like so much has happened this year. As I sit here now in our room, big love, rockstar and I, all blogging while bradly is fighting off his cold, I can’t help but seeing a year full of very high highs and heart wrenching lows. The roller coaster of events, I could not have predicted in my most wildest of imaginations; not just me, but even within the “circle of trust” that I consider those dearest to me, we were all taken for a ride. ... For the first time in my life as I look at this past year, I can say that I feel a sense of movement. My first choice of words was “accomplishment” but I’m a bit hesitant because I don’t know that I feel like I’ve necessarily accomplished anything. But I am quite certain that I have started. For those of you who know me, I’ve always been the mover and shaker. Always doing, moving, working. Isn’t it strange that with everything I’ve done and always seem to be doing, that everything we all seem to be doing, so often we don’t make any headway, no achievement, no advance. We seem to accomplish so many things and yet can’t say that we’ve made any progress of worth. 2007, while by many standards I haven’t accomplished much if anything, I feel like I’ve made movement.

The second area I’m dealing with, change, is the area in which I see the most movement. I’ve been dealing with a lot of change this year. Applying to law schools, two and a half months in DC, mending broken friendships, changes in family, four months in Korea, and immense change within the “circle of trust.” I can’t say exactly when I started feeling it, but it seems like one day I looked up and there it was: CHANGE. As rockstar and I were talking at the beach, we couldn’t help but chuckle at some of the situations we’ve been involved in this past year, and while many were and are still very difficult to close, they seem to be necessary to teach us. For me, the biggest lesson I learned this year, might be simply: I need to change. I wish I could say that many years ago I had this realization, but I can’t. No, it was only in the past 12 months, through a number of unpredictable events that I found myself accepting of, perhaps even longing to be changed. Having just realized this at the age of nearly 27 (or 28 if if we’re discussing my Korean age) I realize I have so far to go, and while my movement in 2007 has been measurable the distance that lies ahead seems just the opposite.

Another first, I can say with all certainty, that I am uncertain of what 2008 holds for me. And at the same time, I am more confident of 2008 than I have ever been of any upcoming year. The “ifs” of 2008 seem daunting so I’ll begin this new year with one of my resolutions and areas of development... WORRY LESS, TRUST MORE...

Happy New Year... God Bless

It's 1:30PM and Christmas is half way over. It'll be another year before this day is here again. I was talking with a friend from Korea last night, and for some reason I had a thought. How cool would it be to one Christmas, charter an aircraft and start at the international date line and from there fly around the world and for once, enjoy 48 hours of Christmas... My friend reacted by asking me why in the world I was talking about that and why I decided to mention that in the middle of our conversation... I can't say that last night I knew why; today I might have a little glimpse.

Wonder. There is no other day in our calendar that expresses the idea and concept of wonder than Christmas. We live lives filled with schedules, tasks, alarm clocks, commitments and daily routines. So often we jump from static day to static day without taking a moment to sit in awe, to sit in wonder. Wonder lives all around us, from taking a moment to sit and be overwhelmed by the vast night sky and countless stars that were placed with intent and purpose, to meeting friends, old and new and then just sitting back being in awe, practically paralyzed at the amazing set of events that brought us together. I was talking to Brad yesterday while we were running errands and we just started thinking about the sets of circumstances that brought us together and brought us to where we are today. We talked about rockstar and I and the no less than a hundred specific and unique events that all had to happen in order for us to be friends. For Loui and Vic and the sovereign set of events that not only brought them into friendship but even recently into marriage. And even how I recently made a new friend in Korea and found out that some 27 years ago we were born in the same city in Korea. Then a few months ago, through a crazy set of hundreds of specific actions we were both unaware of, ran across each others' paths and are now building a remarkable friendship.

Joe mentioned in his blog that he's never quite gotten used to the "Phoenix Christmas" and I can't say that I have either. I'm staring out the living room window and watching a pair of green palm trees swaying in the 65 degree breeze, with a blue sky in the background and a swimming pool in the foreground. Hmmm...

I'm learning so much about myself everyday, and for me it's a difficult process. I feel challenged, sometimes moment to moment, to discover that about myself I have yet to know, to develop those traits which already exist in me, and starve out that "nothing good" that lives in me. And while I can confidently say that I have very little idea what I will look like 5 years, I am more so confident that the person I am on my way to becoming is fearfully and wonderfully made.

I got a text message from a friend of mine the other day; it was his 26th birthday.  The message: I feel so old.  How could I respond?  Lately, I seem to be the vent for several of my friends who have been awakened to the fact that they're getting "older" and I'm already there.  Most of their venting and uncertainty stems around the fact that they don't know what they want to do with their lives, or they've woken up one morning and found out that they've graduated school, been working in a mundane job and don't know where the road they're on will lead.  For me it's a bit different.  I don't wake up in the morning wondering what the road holds ahead or if I'll be ready for it.  For me, the challenge is not what will I do but more how will I do it all?  I was talking to rockstar the other day and couldn't help thinking about how any one of the dozens of things I want to do could consume a lifetime.  Do I have to chose?  A career?  Serving God?  Having a wife?  Raising a family?  Caring for friends and family?  Spending time with loved ones?  Seeing the world? To anyone of these I could devote my entire life and find not enough time... Dare I tackle them all?  
Those of you who know me, know I often struggle with priorities. I want to change the world, and yet I'm uncertain of how to go about it. At times I'm 70% sure, other times I'm not sure at all.  Perhaps it's old age, or perhaps it's wisdom (which in essence is old age, but an easier way of dealing with it.)  I think my priorities are setting themselves, and for the first time, I feel like I might hit that 80% mark of surety.